you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
