Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
