My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
this just has baby written all over it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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