getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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