Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Randomize
