did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
