You were right. It hurts to walk today.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
