After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
