You smell like a Billy Joel song
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
