I'm going to jail i love you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
