So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Randomize
