If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
