Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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