I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
