Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
