you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
