woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
