Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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