Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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