Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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