My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
