Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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