Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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