I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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