I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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