I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
