I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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