the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My vagina is very pro this idea
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
