I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
