Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
