I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm just crazy horny about you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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