I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
