Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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