If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
