i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
