I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
