can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
