I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
