He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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