Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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