I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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