is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
