I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
