my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
