3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
