I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
