I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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