I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
