If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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