Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
