I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
