Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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