you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
