One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
