The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?