Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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